Dear So and So…

Dear Estate Agent,

Thanks for being really patronising during the recent sale of our flat.
At first I thought you were pretending to act like David Brent as a joke. In time I realised that you genuinely are that cheesy.
Thanks also for making me feel like a bit of an idiot when I didn’t know all the ins and outs of selling a property. Silly me – I thought I was paying you a shit-load of money to sort all that stuff out for me.

Regards, Me

Dear Midnight Ninja Fly-Tippers,

I’d like to thank you for continually sneaking up to my block of flats in the middle of the night, and dumping all your household rubbish out the front while our home was on the market.
Nothing says ‘BUY ME!’ more than a stained mattress, a rusty microwave, and a broken office chair.
Same goes for the budding artist who tagged our front door, just before an important second viewing.

Regards, Me

Dear Downstairs Neighbour,

I realise that you’re probably just a bit lonely, and that you mean well.
But do you really have to stop for a chat when you can see I’m struggling up two flights of stairs with a crying baby under one arm, a whining toddler (who refuses to walk) under the other, and a pile of shopping bags?
As much as I really want to hear all about your recent doctor’s visit, and your arthritis, my shoulders will actually dislocate if you don’t GET OUT OF MY WAY NOW!

Regards, Me

Dear Mini-Monkey,

Thank you for giving me your first smile this week, and making my knees wobble, and my heart melt.
You’ve now MORE than made up for nine months of pregnancy, four days stuck in hospital, another unwanted c-section, and every minute of lost sleep in the eight weeks since.

Lots and lots of love, Mummy xxx