I don’t need to tell you Mums that pregnancy is often quite undignified – to put it mildly. But this morning really plumbed new unglamorous depths.
So I’m at the doc’s office, having a regular check up, and it’s time to produce yet another urine sample.
‘If you think you can, that is?’ the doctor asked.
‘I’m 31-weeks pregnant,’ I boasted confidently. ‘Going to the loo is not a problem.’
Off I smugly trotted to the clinic toilet, with Big Sis in tow. And it wasn’t a problem. However, catching the aforementioned sample in a plastic tube the size of a Smarties container when I could no longer see past my belly button, was.
After vainly attempting to move my stomach out of the way (another of the indignities of pregnancy, although I’m not sure where I actually expected it to go… ) I decided to just go for it, and hope for the best. But just as I committed myself, I felt something wet and scratchy on my bare skin. Big Sis had picked up the manky, dripping toilet brush, and was scrubbing it across my leg. I couldn’t go anywhere, so I just started yelling hysterically. ‘No, no, no! Eurghh, yucky!!’
Finally I managed to snatch the brush from her hands, return it to its holder, and wipe the disgusting toilet juice from my leg. Then I checked my harvest. Pathetic. Maybe a centimetre, if I was being generous.
Shame-faced, I returned to the doctor. ‘I’ve let you down,’ I mumbled, handing it over.
He tried his best with those little dip-strip test thingys, but finally conceded defeat. ‘There’s just not enough to carry out the test properly,’ he admitted. ‘You’ll have to come back again next week.’
So now I have to go through the whole bloody ordeal all again. I’ve learned my lesson though. Next time I’ll collect the sample beforehand, in the comfort of my own bathroom, and keep Big Sis well away from both me AND the bog brush, until the transaction has been completed.
Ah, the indignities of pregnancy, right Mums? Anyone else have any embarrassing pregnancy experiences they’re brave enough to share?
that toilet brush bit is pretty nasty. I had to pee in a BUCKET for 24 hrs then take that bucket on the bus back to the hosptial! Obviously I wrapped it up, but embarrasing doesn’t begin to describe it. Lucia is so cute though – I fear she and little m could do lots and lots of damage if given more time, and rocks. xx
Oh man, I am laughing out loud at this one! You poor thing! Aren’t kids delightful?! How about when you have to take your children in the public restroom with you and they ask (loudly): Do you have to do #1 or #2?
Or they, like my youngest son, are freaked out by toilets flushing so if you HAVE to use the toilet when you’re out in public they are screaming the whole time at the top of their lungs?
Embarrassing pregnancy stories? I’m sure I have a ton but my “48-year old, mother of four ages 26 to 8,” brain is blanking right now.
My favorite part of your story was when you described trying to move your stomach out of the way…oh, I remember those days. Thanks for the laugh…hope next visit (and the subsequent birth!) go much better!
Ohhh you poor thing! I remember that bit well…Yep, always take it with you… They are mean expecting you to ‘aim’ in that little container. They could have supplied you with a slightly more dignified plastic cup…lol
Oh poor you – but you have made me laugh at the picture you have painted!!
You poor thing! Why is it people want to make things even more difficult for you when you’re pregnant? We’d planned bathrooms renos for over a year and when did my father decide to start? When I was 34 weeks pregnant of course! This was also the first week after I’d left work so I was home all day every day with no toilet or shower. Taking pity on me dad hired a port-a-loo. Yep, a stinky upright coffin-like contraption that was unceremoniously dumped in our driveway in full view of the very busy street. It’s bad enough having to use it during the day but when you have to waddle out 5 times a night with your torch and try to pee discreetly while a bunch of half-tanked lads roll home from the pub mere metres from where you’re perched… well let’s say I was not a happy pregnant lady. So dad rigged up a toilet in our garage. It consisted of our real toilet balanced on a plank of wood with a bucket under the s-bend. The problem with this was that if you actually put your weight on the toilet seat the whole thing would topple over, so you had to balance on the 6-inch plank of wood, hover above the bowl and just hope you aimed correctly. And I’m not even going to get into having to sneak into the nursing home where my mother works just to have a shower every second day. The whole thing was an absolute bloody nightmare and I am VERY thankful that I now live in a house with TWO bathrooms!
I had a bit of a mishap with a pair of tights when I was pregnant. It was before I’d got really HUGE, and instead of buying maternity tights (god, I’m so tight), I just cut down the front seam a bit to give my belly a bit more room. Unfortunately I had obviously cut one particular pair a bit too much, and they proceeded to start falling down on the walk to the station.
I was too embarrassed to hitch them up (I was wearing a stupidly short denim skirt), so I kind of penguin-waddled myself onto the train, and then from the train I continued my increasingly-desperate penguin waddle to the nearest loo. By the time I got there, my coat was wrapped around me in a bid to hide the fact my tights were around my knees. Not a good look.
OMG I had a similar incident like this yesterday at the docs but instead of the toilet brush my DS decided to open the door of the toilet so I could be seen by the people queing at the reception desk!
Oh hun that did make me giggle! 😀 x
Oh dear I felt for you reading that! It’s funnynhow you can forget how big your stomach got that you could not see anything below it’s diameter! However, with my sympathy I did also have a little laugh at your plight!!! Xx
Little M: Isn’t it weird how things you thought you would DIE of embarrassment doing suddenly just seem almost normal during pregnancy??
Anne Galivan: It’s hard enough finding toilets big enough to fit both you and the little ones, without them having a flush phobia on top of it!!
That’s quite an impressive age gap you’ve got between numbers one and four – there are 16 years between my brother and me.
Anonymous: I know! Even at the best of times (with a lot of luck and exquisite aim on your side) it’s quite a challenge! They certainly don’t make it easy.
jfb57: Laugh away! It’s a proper Frank Spencer situation – I wasn’t overly impressed at the time, but am already laughing about it myself!
Sam, Sam, Sam! That is horrendous! How the hell did you cope??? Spesh considering the number times you need to use the ‘facilities’ when you’re preggers.
Young Mummy: LOL!!! You remind me of when I tried to save money the first time round by putting an elastic band around the button of my skinny jeans instead of forking out for the maternity version. When I finally gave in, I couldn’t believe I’d been so tight about £32, and waited so long, as they were a SQUILLION times more comfortable!!!!!
Second Time Mummy: Oh no!!! Could you reach the door to swing it closed again?
Hayley: I’m already laughing about it myself – it was such a ridiculous situation!!
hehehehehehe…..awesomeness!!! I can so imagine my daughter doing something like that to me!!!!!….luckily she was still too little to though when I was preggers with my son! LOL
Yep, the tiny denim skirt i was wearing was being held up with a hairband round the button 😉
Leah: Her timing was impeccable – just when I couldn’t do a THING to stop her!!!!!
Young Mummy: Jeez, what a cheapskate!! LOL!! 🙂
Oh I think my waters going film style during lunch with work colleagues in the pub on number two…